Levi's Grief
by TWDGamerKenny'sBro
Summary: Levi didn't like letting his emotions get to him. He didn't like to show weakness. But when his entire squad was wiped out in an instant, he couldn't keep his feelings bottled up anymore. Their deaths pushed him to the edge of breaking point. (Oneshot. Some LevixPetra. Based more on the anime than the manga.)


The sunlight was blotted out by the leaves that hung high overhead, with only some rays managing to reach the dark depths of the forest. The sounds of Titan cries could be heard on the distance, they were carried on the wind. But for a single moment, their screams died and the wind did the same. For a moment, everything was quiet and still. The silence was deafening.

There were four bodies hidden in the shadows of the giant trees.

A body hung upside down from its ODM gear, two deep cuts across its chest. They had been slaughtered like an animal, like a boar that had been cut open and left on a rusty metal hook to dry out.

Gunther.

Another body lay amongst the blades of grass, their blood staining the green vegetation a crimson red. Their body had been chewed in half by a giant mouth, their legs were completely gone, leaving nothing but a torso.

Eld.

Blood smeared the bark of a tree, the source being a body that had been kicked by a giant foot and sent flying. Now they lay stiff on the hard ground.

Oruo.

Pressed up against a tree was one more body. Their chin was rested on the trunk, with their head rolled back, looking up at a gap in the branches of the trees and at the clear blue sky. Their eyes were dead and lifeless, but it was almost as if they were watching a bird.

Petra.

"Levi."

Erwin's voice snapped Levi out of his trance. As he lifted his head and glanced around, he came to realise that he was no longer in the forest, but in fact standing on the woodland trail leading back to the old castle base. He regained a feeling of the atmosphere around him, the smell of the country air, the cold night breeze, the sound of crickets humming in the grass, the heavy breathing of his horse. Unfortunately he was also reminded of the severe pain in his injured leg. Trying his best to ignore it, he turned to look at the Commander, who was currently sitting a top his horse. "Head back to the castle base. I need to discuss something with a few of the cadets." He instructed.

Levi nodded "Yes, Erwin." He responded dryly.

"And take Eren with you." He added.

Levi glanced over at Eren, who was standing not too far behind him. The boy had climbed out of the wagon he'd been carried back in some time ago and looked to be in good condition despite the fact that he had nearly been killed a few hours before. He locked eye contact with Levi, who then gestured with a flick of his head in the direction of the castle "Come on, Eren." The Captain ordered, tugging on his horse's reins as he began to lead it down the trail, with Eren following close behind. Their progress was halted when a female voice piped up.

"Can't I go with him?" Mikasa asked, a concerned look on her face.

"You're with me, Mikasa." Erwin replied.

Levi paused and glanced back at Mikasa "Don't worry, Eren will be in my capable hands." His monotone voice didn't exactly give Mikasa the reassurance she wanted, judging by the fact that the same amount of concern was still written on her face. But he didn't care enough to indulge her further, so he continued walking.

Mikasa scoffed "The last time you were left in charge of protecting Eren he almost died." She retorted.

Levi stopped dead in his tracks. He gritted his teeth and his grip on his horse's reins tightened. He whipped his head around and glared at Mikasa, his brow knitted with anger. "I was a little busy trying to retrieve the person from inside the Female Titan. I left Eren with my squad as I trusted them to protect him. So forgive me, but I had greater matters to attend to at the time, I can't always be there to watch him like you can." He snapped. Before she could retaliate, he carried on "Look around you, Mikasa, there aren't as many of us here as there were this morning. Just be grateful that the person you care about made it back alive. Not everyone can say that." And with those final words, he turned and walked away, leaving the rest of the Scout Regiment in stunned silence.

* * *

The sky was dark, with the moon hiding behind the blackened clouds. Levi and Eren entered the courtyard, with Levi's horse in toe. They paused outside of horse's stable, where Levi turned to Eren "Eren, will you put my horse away and make sure there's some hay in there for it?" He requested. He was telling him more than asking.

"Yessir." Eren replied.

Levi dropped the reins into the palm of Eren's hand and proceeded to walk over to the castle entrance. He stopped halfway when a large amount of pain rushed through his leg, causing him to hiss through gritted teeth.

"Are you okay, Captain?" Eren called over to him.

"I'm fine, just tend to my horse." He ordered, making his way up the steps and walking inside. The inside of the base was just as dark as outside. Levi's eyes managed to adjust, allowing him to make out the silhouette of the suit of armour and chandelier.

They had been here once. He remembered when they had first arrived at the base, when they had cleaned the whole building. Petra had swept the floor, Eld had cleaned the chandelier, and then teamed up with Gunther to clean the windows. They had helped him make the place look spotless.

And now they were gone.

Levi limped over to the stairwell, briefly stopping to look inside the great hall, as the door leading into it had been left wide open. The candles were still burning brightly, with wax running down the edges as they gave the room a bright orange glow.

He stared at the large array of tables, his eyes falling on the nearest table, where he and his squad had once sat together. They had been sitting in those chairs only a few days ago. Now they would never sit together again. Those chairs would remain empty.

He turned his head away and continued towards the stairwell. His leg erupted in pain once again, leading Levi to rest his hand on the wall for support. He let out a grunt before making the climb.

With a great amount of effort, he managed to reach the top of the stairs. It was becoming increasingly harder to ignore his injured leg when it was causing him so much difficulty when doing simple tasks, but he intended on staying stubborn and pressing forward. His leg was the least of his concerns when the Female Titan was still out there.

He headed over to his room, practically falling against the door as he pushed it open and entered, shutting it behind him. Resting his hand on the wooden door, thoughts and images of his fallen comrades flashed through his mind. He remembered first laying eyes on them in the forest after their demise. He remembered watching Petra being thrown out of the wagon, while he sat on the back of his horse, powerless to do anything.

His hand curled into a fist.

Levi had wanted more than anything to carry his squad home, to lay them to rest. But instead, their bodies had been cast aside, thrown away like nothing more than dead weight. He had nothing left of them. He had given the signer from Petra's uniform to one of the soldiers, fooled him into believing it belonged to his friend Ivan, to give him some sense of false hope. Levi wasn't the only one who had lost someone they cared about.

He remembered the look on her father's face when he told him that his daughter didn't make it back home alive. He had been absolutely devastated. Worst of all, it killed him to tell her grieving father that he hadn't been able to bring back anything that was left of her.

If his leg hadn't been injured he could have slayed those Titans that had been chasing them. They could have brought back the bodies of their dead soldiers. All of them had names, all of them had families and friends. Four of them had been his friends, people who he cared about, people he held near and dear to his heart.

Those same four people had been left to rot outside of the walls.

He should have been there. He should have been there when the Female Titan attacked. He should have been there to save them.

Levi choked up a sob. He pushed himself off the door and staggered over to the window. The full moon appeared from behind a cloud, bathing him and the room in a pale, silver light. He stood there, staring out into the distance, imagining that his squad would come riding down that trail at any moment. He almost managed to fool himself into believing they would. Almost.

His thoughts returned to Petra, her father's words echoing in his mind. He tucked his hand into his pocket and pulled out the neatly folded letter she had sent to her dad. He was thankful that the old man had allowed him to take it, though he had told himself he would give it back when the time came. Levi had a feeling he would want to keep it.

He unfolded it and smoothed out the creases. He ran his thumb along the opened envelope flap, but stopped himself from seeing the contents. He couldn't bring himself to look inside, it wasn't his place, what she wrote wasn't meant for his eyes to see. He just wanted something of her, even if it was only fleeting.

He knew what she had wrote anyway. She had loved him, she had devoted her life to him. She had gone as far as to want to someday marry him. Levi wondered what he had done to deserve that much affection from her.

He had been fond of her, that much was certain, but could he really say that he mirrored her feelings? Perhaps. Perhaps not. He wasn't really sure how he felt anymore.

Why hadn't she said anything? Why did he have to find out now? Petra had loved him but it didn't even matter because she was gone, and the only thing he had left was lingering thoughts of what ifs and regrets. He clutched the letter tightly in his grasp.

Why? Why did he have to lose everyone he cared about? Why was he always the one left behind?

He wasn't sure if it was exhaustion or his injured leg or the grief consuming him, but his legs buckled beneath him and he collapsed onto the hard, stone cold floor. The impact caused a surge of pain to rush through his leg, which he began to cradle in his hands. "I'm sorry." He whispered, finally giving into his emotions as tears streamed down his face "I'm sorry I wasn't there to protect you. I'm sorry I couldn't carry you home."

He leaned his head against the wall, stifling back a sob as he pulled his legs closer, almost as if he was curling himself up into a tiny ball. He stayed in that position for some time, tears trickling down his cheeks until he eventually cried himself to sleep.

* * *

The Scout Regiment was preparing to head back to the Wall. Rumours that the Wall around Trost District had been breached were spreading like wild fire, but Levi was certain that if they could make it back in time, they would be able to stop the Titans from taking Wall Rose. If that hadn't already happened, that is.

He was resupplying his blades and gas when he heard footsteps approaching from behind. "Captain?" A voice addressed him.

"Yes, Petra?" Levi responded, turning to face his fellow squad member.

"Can I ask you something?" She requested.

"What is it?" He replied. He knew they were pushed for time, but Erwin hadn't given the order to retreat yet, so they had a few minutes to spare.

"How do you do it? How do you keep going after soldiers die? Does it not get to you?" She asked.

"I think about those we've lost often, but I don't let their death bring me down. If I did, then I wouldn't be 'Humanity's hero'. If they knew that I let my emotions get the better of me, if they saw me show any weakness, then they might lose hope." He explained.

"But that doesn't mean you shouldn't be allowed to mourn. It's not fair that you have to carry such a burden."

"I never said I didn't mourn those we have lost along the way. I just do so privately. We couldn't have gotten to this point without the soldiers that have risked their lives for our cause. Their deaths, their sacrifices, make me stronger, they give me the strength to keep fighting. I'll never stop until the Titans are eradicated, then and only then will my comrades be avenged. Then I will truly be allowed to grieve." He stated strongly.

"That's very noble of you, sir." Petra murmured. "But can I ask you one more thing?"

You may."

"If anything happened to me or the squad, would you miss us? Would you continue to fight?" She asked.

Levi reached out and touched Petra's shoulder. He didn't make physical contact with people often, but he thought this would get his point across. "Petra, I wouldn't let anything happen to you or the squad. But if something were to happen, then I would still fight. I would fight in your names and I would not rest until the Titans that ended your lives were slain. No matter what, I'll keep fighting until the bitter end. That's a promise."

Petra's eyes gleamed, almost as if she was in awe of him and his speech. He removed his hand from her shoulder. "Would you do the same?" Levi asked.

"Of course, sir." She replied, nodding firmly.

"I thought you'd say that. It's one of the reasons why I picked you."

Petra smiled at him. She lowered her head for a moment, her ginger locks falling over her face and covering her eyes. A light breeze whirled around them, causing their capes to flutter.

"Aren't you going to keep that promise?" She questioned, her face still masked by her hair.

"What the-" Levi began, only to be cut off when the world around them started to crumble. The other soldiers faded into ashes, the buildings became fractured and broken apart, before being carried off on the wind, leaving nothing but a white void. "This isn't how it happened... What's going on?"

Petra lifted her head and brushed the hair away from her face with her hand. "You weren't lying when you said you mourn in private." She commented.

"Petra... Are you..? Is this...?"

"Real? No, but you already knew that, didn't you?"

Levi remained silent. She was right, he did know, but he had secretly hoped that it was real. Petra drew closer to him and lifted her hand. She hesitated for a moment, as if she was still not sure if she should touch him or not, but then reached out and wiped a tear off of his cheek with her thumb. Tears? Was he crying? Was reality seeping into his dream?

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you how I felt about you." She apologised, moving her hand away and dropping her arm by her side "I just didn't know how, and you seemed so uninterested... I didn't think it would work out even if I did tell you."

"I never realised you felt about me that way before. To tell you the truth, I'm not sure how I felt about you. Even now. But I like to think that maybe... Just maybe, we could have had something together."

"Don't lie to yourself, you know you were too dedicated to the cause to think of anything else. Love and marriage was the last thing on your mind."

"Maybe if things were different then." He murmured.

"That's a nice thought..." She trailed off.

She looked so real. It was hard to believe that she was a figment of his imagination, his deepest thoughts taking the form of his deceased friend.

"Why are you here, Petra?" He asked, his voice above a whisper.

"You know why... You just don't want to admit it. You need to forgive yourself, you blame yourself for what happened to us, but you shouldn't... It's not your fault."

"I should have been there, I should have been there to save you."

"You didn't need to protect us, we could fend for ourselves." Petra protested.

"I trusted you to do that and it got you killed." He responded.

"You couldn't have known that."

"Then I should have done something on the way back to the Wall... I wanted to be able to bury you and the others, truly I did... But..."

"It's okay. The one thing you can do for us now is to find the Female Titan and make sure she pays for what she did. You promised you would keep fighting... You're not giving up, are you?" She asked.

"No, never. But my leg..."

"The Levi I know wouldn't let an injured leg stop him from avenging his friends." She replied.

She lifted her hand once more and ran her fingers through his hair, moving his fringe with her finger tips. He let her.

"You're right... I wouldn't." He agreed. "I promise you, Petra, I will find her, and I will keep fighting in your memory... No matter what."

"I know you will." She whispered, leaning closer and kissing him on the cheek. "Goodbye, Levi." She said softly, turning and walking away.

And all of a sudden, she wasn't the only one there, Gunther, Eld, Oruo... They were all there too, for one last time. He saw the back of their heads, their capes flapping in the wind. Petra turned to look back at him, giving him a long, lingering glance.

"Goodbye, Petra."

* * *

Levi slowly opened his eyes and fluttered his eyelids. It took a few seconds before he realised that he was sitting on the floor by his bedroom window. It really had been just a dream and yet... It felt so real, like he had been reliving the whole thing over again until it had delved into something much deeper that couldn't possibly be real... But he found himself wishing it had been.

There was someone knocking at his door. He let out a grunt of effort as he pushed himself off the floor and stood up. Petra's letter was still in his hand, looking rather crumpled and creased. He grimaced and tucked the letter into his pocket, before lifting his hand and touching his cheek, wiping away any remaining tears with his sleeve.

He glanced outside, taking note that the sky was still dark, the moon no longer in view, but the horizon was tinted with an orange and yellow glow. Dawn was approaching.

The door knocker was getting more persistent. He turned away from the window and called out to the person on the other side "What is it?" He asked gruffly.

The door was pushed open slightly and Eren stuck his head into the room. "I finished tending to your horse, sir. I gave him some oats and cleaned out the poo from his stable."

"Good. I'll check your work in the morning, that stable better be spotless. Horses are such filthy creatures."

"Most animals are, sir." Eren responded, chuckling nervously. "I also came to make sure if you were okay. You've been up here a while."

"So what if I have? A man needs his space." Levi retorted. "And you don't need to worry about me, I'd be more worried about myself if I were you. The MP's are probably going to come and cart you off soon, unless Erwin comes up with a plan to stop them that is." He mumbled. "Speaking of Erwin, is he back yet?"

"No, sir." Eren replied simply.

"What's taking so long?" He wondered out loud.

"Maybe we should go sit downstairs and wait for them." Eren suggested.

"Alright. You go down and sit in the great hall and I'll join you in a few minutes." Levi responded.

Eren nodded and left, shutting the door behind him. Once he was long gone, Levi stripped himself of his uniform, laying it out neatly on the bed and adoring a more comfortable attire, which was a loose fitting white shirt and black trousers. He examined his leg during the process, taking note that his ankle was swollen to hell and the whole area felt like it was on fire, with flames burning underneath his skin.

He left his room and hobbled downstairs, entering the kitchen to make himself a drink. He picked up the old, silver kettle and ran some tap water into it. He then placed it on the stove and allowed it to boil as he found himself a cup.

He heard footsteps behind him, and glanced over his shoulder to see Eren standing on the other side of the room. He decided to not acknowledge him and instead keep an eye on the kettle.

"It's just us here." Eren murmured. "This place feels really empty without..." He stopped himself "Nevermind."

"Don't act like they didn't exist." Levi told him.

"What?"

"You don't need to act like they didn't exist around me, it's not a touchy subject. They were all here, everything in this goddamn place reminds me of them. This morning I left with my squad, and a few hours ago I returned with nothing but an injured leg. I couldn't even bring back one body."

Eren looked down at the floor. "I'm sorry, Captain. If I had turned into a Titan sooner then... Then maybe I could have saved them." He apologised. His voice hitched slightly. He was on the brink of tears.

Levi turned to fully face the boy, and watched as he trembled, his fists curled into balls. "Maybe." Eren lifted his head, the guilt written all over his face. "Maybe not." He continued "At the end of the day, no one can predict the outcome of your choice. Who's to say that it would have turned out any differently?" He questioned "Look, Eren, what happened isn't your fault. So don't beat yourself up about it, alright?"

Once again, he was telling him more than asking.

He didn't seem to take the hint. "But they died protecting me! I should have done something, I should have helped. And worst of all, we didn't even catch the Female Titan! They died for nothing!" Eren exclaimed.

The kid was lucky that Levi didn't knock him on his ass right then and there. "Listen here, brat, and listen close." He snarled. "Our job was to protect you. They kept you alive, they sacrificed themselves so that you could live. So don't you dare tell me that they died for nothing, because from where I'm standing, their deaths meant something. We've made great strides because of them, and they will continue to do so even in death. And they will do that through me, because they gave me the strength to carry on."

Eren was stunned, so much so that he couldn't breath a word.

"Now, my friends died in order to keep you alive, and I intend to make sure you stay that way. Because as far as I'm concerned, you're one of the only hopes humanity has of reclaiming our land from the Titans. Not only can you change into a Titan at will, but you're also on our side, which we can't say for most, so you're not so easily replaced. But you're reckless, hell, you'd die in a matter of seconds if you were left out there on your own. So, Eren, if there is a way to save you from the MP's, are you going to cut the crap and stay alive, to make sure that my squad did not die in vain?"

Eren nodded firmly, finding his voice again "Yes, sir!"

"And as for who's to blame for what happened to them, you're not the one we should be pointing fingers at. The Female Titan is. She's the one that killed them and she is the one that's going to pay. And I will not rest until she is found. Are you with me on that, Eren?" Levi asked.

"Yes, sir. I'll find that Female Titan and I'll make sure she never gets away again!" He declared. Levi could see the fire and the passion in his eyes. He saw a bit of himself in the kid, though he didn't like to admit it.

"Good. Go sit in the great hall and wait for Erwin. And you also better pray that he's come up with a solution to our problem." He instructed.

Eren nodded, and turned around and walked away, exiting the kitchen and leaving Levi alone once more.

The kettle started whistling loudly, so the Captain lifted it off the stove and poured the boiling hot water into a cup. He paused for a second and retrieved Petra's letter from his trouser pocket, trying his best to smooth out the creases after he had scrunched it up in his sleep.

 _Gunther. Eld. Oruo. Petra. I won't give up, I won't lose hope. I promise I will keep fighting in your names. And I swear, one day, I will eradicate all of the Titans._

* * *

 **A/N: First time writing an Attack on Titan story.**

 **I got really into the anime somewhat recently and I really grew to like Levi and his character and I just wanted to write something like this, to show what I think his reaction would be to the death of his squad once he was left alone.**

 **I'm not a shipper of LevixPetra, I just thought I'd include a bit of it. I know she doesn't show an interest in getting married in the manga. I don't really ship anyone in the show, I just want to see the characters live.**

 **Anyway, I just wanted to experiment with this. I'm sure plenty of people have done something like this before but I wanted to throw my story into the mix. Hope you liked it and maybe I'll do more Attack on Titan stuff in the future.**


End file.
